Ten Little FingersTen Little Toes
by angel1002
Summary: This is the story of Janet and Eddie's journey to complete their family. Will be a short story...only a few chapters.
1. Chapter 1

The light from the hallway shone into the room giving off just enough light for Janet to watch her sleeping children from her spot in between the bassinet and crib. Eddie walked in the room and wrapped his arms around his wife, pulling her close. Their daughter sighed in her sleep and pulled her blanket closer. Their son rolled over onto his side kicking his blanket off. Janet pulled out of Eddie's arms and covered their son up.

"Look at our babies." He whispered.

"Shh. You'll wake them." Janet gazed lovingly at their children. "They are perfect aren't they?"

"They are. After everything that we have been through seeing them sleeping here at home makes everything worth it doesn't it?"

"We finally have the family we were meant to have."

* * *

"Janet, you are not pregnant." Dr. Harper told her patient.

"That can't be. I haven't had a period in three months. I don't feel right. I'm hot all of the time and I have acne. I haven't had acne in years which are pregnancy symptoms."

"I'm sorry. Your blood tests confirm that you are not pregnant."

"Then what in the heck is wrong with me?"

"You have a condition known as pre mature ovarian failure."

"What the heck is that?" Eddie asked.

"When I got your negative pregnancy results I considered your symptoms and did more blood tests. I ran what is called an FSH and an LH. Those tests allow me to see the status of your follicles or eggs. Your levels came back very low which tell me that you have no eggs."

"I don't understand."

"Every woman is born with thousands of egg follicles. Your FSH and LH hormones will stimulate those follicles to become mature eggs. Your body isn't producing enough of those hormones for your eggs to mature."

"Which means?"

"You will never be able to conceive a child."

Tears filled Janet's eyes. She and Eddie had only been married for six months. They weren't even trying for a baby but when Janet missed a few of her periods and had a couple negative pregnancy tests she went to the doctor and now, she was wishing she hadn't. She was only twenty five years old and one of her biggest desires; to have a baby one day; had been torn away from her. It wasn't fair to her or to Eddie.

"Is there a cure?" She managed to ask without breaking down.

"No. I'm sorry. The only thing we can do is treat your symptoms."

"I…we will never have a baby?"

"Not the way you are thinking Janet. One option for you is using an egg donor. Your husband's sperm can be joined with a donor egg and implanted inside of you."

"But it won't be my baby?"

"That's correct." The tears that Janet had been holding back began to fall. "I will give you guys a few minutes." Her doctor excused himself; giving his patient and husband some privacy.

"Oh Eddie." She sobbed. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry."

"Shhh baby. "He whispered. "Shhh. It's not your fault."

"If you want a divorce, I will understand. You deserve someone who can give you a baby."

"Don't be stupid Janet. I said through sickness and health and right now we are in the sickness phase of our marriage."

"But we are never going to have our own baby."

"There are other ways to have a child Janet. We will figure it out. I'm not going anywhere." Janet wrapped her arms around his neck, buried her face in his neck and cried for all that was lost and never going to be.

Over the next couple of weeks Janet read the information the doctor had given her regarding the egg donor and adoption as well as anything on the internet that she could find. She realized that their plans of having a family weren't totally hopeless; there were options. She and Eddie discussed it and decided to wait, like they had planned to and when the time came to start their family, they would revisit these options.

**One Year Later**

"No Eddie. I am not doing it."

"Aren't you even going to consider it?"

"No." Eddie sighed in irritation.

"Janet you told me that the worst thing about this was that you would never be able to experience a child growing inside of you. This way you can."

"No. I can't have the baby you made with another woman inside of me."

"Baby, it won't be my baby with another woman. It will be our baby inside of you."

"No it won't. It will be another woman's baby." A few tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Another woman's egg, yes but sweetheart you will be the one nourishing and taking care of it. That baby will depend on you; it's mother."

"What will people say when they learn that the baby inside of me isn't mine?"

"It's no one's damn business."

"I…I don't know if I can."

"Ultimately, it's your decision babe and I will support any choice you make but at least think about it okay?" She wiped her tears and nodded. "Promise me. Say it."

"I promise to think about it."

"Thank you."

Janet did as Eddie asked. She thought long and hard about what he was asking. One of the options she had was IVF. A donor egg and Eddie's sperm will be fertilized in a dish and then implanted into her uterus with the hope that the fertilized embryo will implant itself. She made a list of pros and cons but regardless of how many pros she had, she wasn't sure if she could get past the fact that she would be carrying another woman's child. Eventually, it was her own words that Eddie reminded her of that helped make her decision. She wanted to experience a child growing inside of her.

* * *

"I want to pick a donor that looks somewhat like me." The two of them were at their fertility specialist, flipping through binders of egg donors.

"Of course."

"I really hope the baby looks like you. It will just be too weird if it looks like its mother." She mumbled.

"No matter the baby looks like you need to remember that you are its mother okay?"

"I'll try. "

They spent the next two hours looking through every profile in every binder that they were given. Choosing the woman whose egg they were going to use was a big decision and they wanted to make sure that they made the right one. They finally chose a woman with blue eyes, dark curly hair with an excellent personal and family health history.

"How many eggs would you like to fertilize?" The doctor asked.

"Two." Eddie answered.

"And how many embryos would you like implanted at once?"

"One." Janet told the doctor. There were two reasons why they only wanted one embryo implanted at a time. If the implantation didn't work, they would have a second chance and if it did work, hopefully they could implant the second embryo so their child could have a sibling.

"According to your cycle your uterus will be ready for implantation in two weeks."

"Really that soon?"

"That soon. The only thing we need now is a sample from you Eddie."

"A sample?" He asked, knowing what the doctor was requesting.

"A semen sample." The doctor stood, went to the cupboard, pulled out a sterile specimen cup and handed it to Eddie. "Before you leave today, deposit your sample in here and the next time I see you two, there will be an embryo ready to implant."

"Thank you very much." Janet said to the doctor.

"You are very welcome." Once the doctor left Eddie went and locked the door.

"Care to assist me in obtaining a sample?" He asked his wife with a grin.

"With pleasure." She jumped down off the table and reached out for his belt buckle. This was going to be fun.

* * *

"Well?" Eddie asked anxiously.

"Nothing yet. There is still two more minutes." Janet had the fertilized egg implanted a week ago and she was taking her first pregnancy test.

"Really? Two minutes? It's only been a minute. Who knew three minutes could take so long?" Eddie let out a big breath in hopes to calm his nerves. "Do you feel pregnant?"

"I feel the same as I did last week before the implantation but that doesn't mean anything right?"

"Right."

"I could be pregnant and feel the same."

"I'm no pregnancy expert but I would say that you are right." Eddie and Janet linked hands and waited in silence for another minute and a half. "It's time."

"You look at it."

"Are you sure?"

"Uh huh."

"Are you coming with me?" She shook her head.

"I'll wait here." Eddie nodded and walked into the bathroom and Janet paced the living room until Eddie returned. The instant she saw his face, she knew the result. "It's negative isn't it?"

"I'm sorry baby."

"It doesn't mean that I'm not pregnant. Dr. Weible said depending when the embryo implanted will determine a positive pregnancy test. All this test means is that the embryo didn't implant right away."

"Are you okay?" Janet bit her lip and nodded.

"We'll try again in a few days."

A few days later, Janet took another pregnancy test and that one was negative as well but Janet didn't allow that to discourage her. She still held out hope that the embryo was implanted but her body just didn't realize that. She didn't give up. Even after a third negative test she would not give up. She wouldn't give up until the doctor himself told her to give up.

"Okay Janet, even though all of the pregnancy tests were negative you could still be pregnant so I want to do an ultrasound."

"How could I be pregnant and have a negative pregnancy test?"

"Your body may not be producing enough Human Chorionic Hormone, which is the pregnancy hormone. At the beginning of pregnancy, you body may not be producing enough of that hormone to come through in your urine and that's why I want to do an ultrasound. So go ahead and lay back and pull up your shirt." Janet did as instructed. As the gel was placed on her belly, Eddie took her hand and they watched the ultrasound screen light up. They stared hard at it but couldn't see a thing which meant nothing since they had no idea what they were looking for or at.

"I'm sorry Janet. The embryo did not implant."

"I understand."

"Why?" Eddie asked.

"I can't answer that. The uterine environment was perfect for implantation. There is no medical reason for not to happen."

"Well than was it something that I did or didn't do?"

"No Janet. It was no fault of yours."

"What is the percentage of the next embryo implanting?"

"If I was going to give you a percentage, I would have given you a 99 percent success rate with the implantation we just did but as you can tell, I was wrong. I can't give you a percentage. With this information and after what happened today, do you still want to implant the second embryo?"

"Honey, it's your decision."

"I want to try again. When can we try again?"

"In two weeks your uterus should be ready for implantation. Do you want to try then?"

"Will the embryo be okay if I wait until the following month?"

"The embryo will be fine. Do you want to schedule for about six weeks?"

"That sounds perfect."

"Okay then. Eddie, Janet I will see you in six weeks."

During the next six weeks Janet read everything she could get her hands on when it came to getting pregnant with concentration on the implanting part. She wanted to be prepared and have every advantage when it came to the next embryo implanting.

* * *

"Okay Janet, you know the drill. Lay back and lift your shirt." It had been two weeks since her second implantation and so far all of her pregnancy tests were negative. This time around she wasn't as positive as she was with the previous implantation and expected the ultrasound to reveal nothing like it did before. Eddie took her hand again and they watched the screen but like last time, they saw nothing.

"Congratulations."

"What? Congratulations?" Eddie gasped.

"Does this mean...?" Janet couldn't finish her thought.

"You're pregnant." Dr. Weible pointed a tiny dark spot on the screen. "This right here is your embryo."

"I'm pregnant? Are you sure? I don't feel any different."

"The proof is right here." Eddie stood up and stared at the screen for a few minute and then he turned back to Janet with tears in his eyes.

"Look Janet, it's a baby. Our baby. We did it." Janet stared at the screen in shock, unable to respond. She thought for sure she wasn't pregnant and now, the doctor was telling her she was.

"That blob is a baby?" She asked in disbelief.

"It sure is." Tears of joy fell from Janet's eyes as the doctor's words finally sank in. She was pregnant. She was going to have a baby. She and Eddie were going to have a family.

"Eddie, we're having a baby." He wiped her tears away.

"We sure are."

* * *

Over the next six weeks, Eddie and Janet were living on cloud nine. They tried to keep their exciting news to themselves but it didn't work. Just one look at them and seeing the glow on their faces gave it away. Janet felt great. No morning sickness. She was tired but it was nothing that she couldn't handle. The joy she felt about becoming a mom overcame any fatigue she felt. They couldn't wait until the day the baby would be born.

One morning, when Janet was eight weeks pregnant she was at home, sleeping in because she was working the afternoon, early evening shift at Sully's. Sully had been giving her more late morning shifts which she appreciated because she was really tired which according to her "What To Expect When Expecting" book was exactly what she should be feeling in the first trimester.

When her alarm went off and she officially woke up she knew immediately, something wasn't right. She was wet between her legs and as she knew she didn't wet her pants. She got out of bed and went into the bathroom where she discovered that she was bleeding. Returning to the bedroom she grabbed the phone and called Eddie.

"Morning babe."

"I'm bleeding." She cried into the phone.

"Bleeding? Do you mean…"

"I need to go to the hospital."

"I'm on my way. I'll be there in about twenty. Will you be okay?"

"Please hurry."

When Eddie arrived home twenty five minutes later he found Janet on the couch clutching the ultrasound picture of their little baby blob with tears streaming down her face. She didn't even look up when he entered the room. She never took her eyes off of the picture. He went over and sat on his knees in front of her.

"Hey baby, I'm here." He whispered, taking her hand.

"Eddie…I…I lost the baby."

"You don't know that."

"I do know. There was so much blood. The baby is gone."

"Come on; let's get you to the hospital."

A few hours later, Eddie and Janet were back from the hospital. Janet was right. She did lose the baby. The doctors did an exam, determined that the baby passed out of her body on its own. She was given condolences and sent home with some Ibuprofen for the cramping.

"Everybody wanted to come over but I asked them to wait until tomorrow." Eddie explained to Janet. He had been on the phone since they arrived home.

"We shouldn't have told anyone."

"I'll admit, things would be easier if we were the only ones who knew." Janet was lying on the couch. Eddie gently sat her up, took the seat where her head was and replaced the cushion with his lap. "But who can blame us? We were excited."

"I'm so sorry Eddie."

"Don't be sorry sweetheart. It's not your fault. It just wasn't meant to be."

"After the first implantation didn't take, I didn't get my hopes up for the second. I went in for that ultrasound thinking that I wasn't pregnant but then he told me…told us that we were having a baby. He showed us the baby blob and then I got my hopes up. There was going to be a piece of you in this world and nothing could make me happier and now we lost that piece of you. The world will never know the joy of another person the Latekka DNA."

"We can try again."

"I can't Eddie."

"Yes we can. Dr. Weible said that we can try again."

"I know that but I can't do it. I can't go through this again."

"Janet…"

"We spent so much money and the only thing we have to show is heartbreak." Tears rolled down her face and landed on Eddie's jean covered leg. "Eddie, I can't do this again." She sniffed.

"I thought you wanted a family." Eddie whispered.

"Aren't we a family?"

"Of course we are. I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I thought you wanted kids."

"I do but not like this. Not again."

"What are you thinking honey?" Janet sat up, wiped her eyes and looked into Eddie's eyes.

"I want to look into adoption. With this egg donor, a baby isn't guaranteed but with adoption, I feel like a child is guaranteed or at least more so than what we just did."

"Are you sure? I want a child any way we can get one but you told me how much you wanted to experience being pregnant. I don't want you to have any regrets."

"This experience has made me realize that it's not the pregnancy that's what I want; it's a child that I want."

"That's what I want to."

"Really? I feel like I am letting you down or disappointing you."

"Really Janet. It's what I want. We agreed to implant two embryos. We did that and it didn't take. If you wanted to try again, I would be game but it's not my body. I'm not the one who had to go through the losing the baby. That was you. If you want to start the adoption process I want to start the adoption process. To me, it doesn't matter how we get our child. I know that I…actually we will love that child no matter how we get him or her." Fresh tears fell from Janet's eyes as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"That's exactly how I feel." She cried into his neck. Eddie tightened his arms around his wife and hugged her tightly. "Thank you." She whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

_**3 months later**_

"Thank you for coming down today."

"It's our pleasure." Janet answered, squeezing Eddie's hand.

A month ago Eddie and Janet decided it was time to move forward with the adoption process. They filled out an application for a state adoption but the process could take months and they had not received a response yet. They researched adoption agencies in and around Boston and finally chose a very reputable one that had great reviews. They filled out the application and submitted to background checks and had just been called in to follow up on their application.

"I called you in here to discuss your application." They nodded. "Unfortunately, we are going to have to reject your application."

"What? Why?" Janet gasped.

"We found that you falsified your application." She informed them and they were flabbergasted.

"No we didn't." Eddie snapped. "We would never falsify an application, let alone one as important as this."

"On the application, you stated that you have never been convicted of a crime."

"That's right." Janet told her.

"It's not right. When we ran the background check you agreed to it came back saying the opposite. Mr. Latekka, you have been convicted of a crime." She slid his background check across the desk. "Underage drinking, public intoxication and possession of an illegal substance."

Spring break his senior year, he, Nick, Owen, Ikey and Phil took a guys only trip to the Jersey Shore. During the week they did what all stupid teenage boys who were on their own for the first time do; they went crazy. They bought lots of alcohol; lots of alcohol and drank it all the time. Due to the amount of alcohol consumption, they lost their inhibition and ventured out of their comfort zone and bought some marijuana. They all made the poor choice to mix the two and they found themselves drunk and high on the beach causing a big ruckus. The cops were called and the five of them were subsequently arrested and Eddie happened to be the one that was holding the marijuana.

That phone call home, to his parents was the worst phone call to date he had to make. While his friend's parents drove down and bailed them out Eddie's parents were so furious they made him sit in jail by himself for a full day before they bailed him out. When it was finally settled Eddie was put on probation for six months with one hundred and fifty hours of community service and a hefty fine that his parents had to pay but he had to work off to pay them back.

The arrest of the five guys was the talk of the school for the rest of the year. It was no secret. Everyone knew about it including Janet but it was so long ago that both of them had honestly forgotten about it and that's why they answered in the negative regarding the convection of the crime question.

"I didn't lie on purpose. It was ten years ago and I honestly forgot about it."

"I believe you. Most people wouldn't mark no on the application if they knew it would show up in their criminal background check but unfortunately, it doesn't matter what I believe. The fact is you lied on your application."

"It was an honest accident." Janet pleaded.

"I'm so sorry."

"It was over ten years ago. I was a kid."

"And he hasn't been in any trouble since."

"You can do a drug test. I haven't done any drugs since then."

"A drug test won't do any good."

"Please there must be something that you can do." Janet begged.

"There is not. What's done is done."

"Okay then. We will just go to another agency."

"You have a record Mr. Latekka. No agency is going to accept your application."

"Thank you." Janet managed to whisper through her tears. She stood and walked out of the office with Eddie following behind her.

Somehow through her tears and with Eddie's help Janet made it to his truck. As soon as the door was shut the floodgates opened and the tears came hard and fast. Once inside the truck, Eddie scooted next to Janet and took her in his arms.

"I'm sorry baby. I am so sorry." He whispered through his own tears. Another chance for them to have a child had been ripped away from them and this time, it was his fault. For a few minutes, they just clung to each other and cried over what will never be and the emptiness they felt.

"Here." Janet handed Eddie a tissue from her purse. She figured that she would need them today for happy tears, not the sad ones they were experiencing.

"Thanks." Eddie blew his nose. "God Janet, I am so sorry."

"Don't Eddie."

"Don't what?"

"Don't blame yourself."

"Why not? Dammit, it's my fault."

"Eddie..."

"It was there in black and white Janet. We can't adopt a child because of me; because of my stupid teenage stupidity."

"Baby, you just said it. You were a teenager that made a stupid choice that unfortunately is affecting your adult life right now."

"If it wasn't for me we would be signing the adoption contract right now."

"If we're going to assign blame than blame me. I'm the one with the crappy eggs. If it wasn't for that we would already have a child and your teenage past never would have been an issue."

"I will not blame you for something that is out of your control."

"If you were arrested last week then hell ya, I would blame you but I cannot and will not blame you for something that happened ten years ago when you were still a kid." Eddie was quiet for a minute as he considered Janet's words.

"This really sucks." He finally said.

"Yeah it does." She agreed softly.

"We would have been really good parents."

"I'm not giving up. We still can be good parents."

"How?" Eddie was feeling very discouraged right now. "Adoption is out."

"We're supposed to have lunch with my mom. She may know a way around this little bump in the road." Janet wasn't ready to give up on their dream to have a family.

* * *

"Hey guys." Jennifer Meadows greeted her daughter and son in law with a kiss. "How was your appointment at the agency? How soon until I have a grandbaby?" She sat down and looked into their faces and knew the answer. "Not good huh?"

"Not good at all." Janet uttered sadly.

"What happened?"

"I happened." Eddie slid his background check that the adoption agency graciously supplied them with. Jennifer read over it.

"This is still on your record?" She asked.

"Yeah. Should it not be?"

"It could easily be expunged." Eddie gave her a confused look. "Removed from your record."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I am surprised your lawyer never told you about this."

"My parents were paying him so he told me nothing and he very well may have but it was so long ago…" His voice trailed off.

"So what does the adoption agency want from you; a drug test?"

"Nothing. They rejected our application because we falsified our application." Janet explained to her mother.

"You falsified your application? What were you thinking?"

"We didn't do it on purpose mom."

"It happened so long ago that I honestly forgot and I checked no to the question about conviction of a crime." He told his mother in law miserably.

"That's not good Eddie."

"Tell me about it."

"Mom is there anything Eddie and I can do to get them to accept our application?"

"From a legal standpoint no. They have the right to reject any application within reason and falsifying an application is reason."

"So that's it. We can't have a child." Tears filled Janet's eyes. She was really hoping her lawyer mother would have a solution.

"Maybe not through a typical adoption agency."

"What are you thinking?" Eddie asked.

"There is a lawyer at my office who deals with private adoptions. Instead of going through an agency perspective parents and woman who want to give their child up will go through a lawyer. The rules aren't as strict and your background may not be an issue."

"Really?" Janet felt hope rising again.

"Let me give him a call. I'll be right back." Jennifer excused herself.

"You were right babe. Your mom knew a way over our little speed bump." Eddie was thrilled.

"We might have a child." Janet whispered, taking Eddie's hand.

* * *

At five that same afternoon, the two of them were sitting in the office of Charlie who was the lawyer that worked with Janet's mom and specialized in adoption. They had been there for an hour and a half and after everything Charlie had explained to them, they decided to proceed. They would make a portfolio with detailed answers to some questions about themselves and lives along with pictures so the birth mother and possibly father and family of the child would be able to get to know them. As prospective parents Charlie guaranteed them that the mother is drug free and has had appropriate prenatal care. He wouldn't accept a client any other way.

If they were chosen then they would come in and meet each other and be interviewed. Janet's mom was going to file the paperwork to have Eddie's record cleared so hopefully it wouldn't be an issue. Charlie was very optimistic about their chances which led Eddie and Janet to feel the same way. They walked out of the office, hopeful that they would be able to complete their family.

Six weeks later, much quicker than either of them anticipated, they received a phone call that there was a mother interested in them. They were thrilled and extremely nervous. So much was riding on this interview. Their family and friends told them simply to be themselves. They were perfect just as they were but that was easier said than done. They knew that they had to impress this woman enough to want to hand over her child to them. That was a tall order and one that terrified them to the core.

A week and a half after the meeting with Charlie and his client they got the call. They were going to have a baby. The mother chose to give her baby to them. When they got the news Janet, her mom, Eddie's mom and Hannah all cried while Eddie bought cigars and celebrated with his friends at Sully's. The news came as no surprise to their friends and loved ones; it surprised the couple themselves. Maybe it was because they didn't want to hope or maybe they thought that they weren't good enough but on the surface, they hoped for a child but deep down neither thought it would happen and now that it had, they couldn't have been more thrilled.

Their baby wasn't due for another four and a half weeks which may seem like a lot of time but to Eddie and Janet it wasn't enough. They were convinced that they would not be ready for their baby. Their mothers and Hannah threw them a surprise baby shower at Sully's. Everyone they knew came to the shower and as a result they received everything that they could possibly want or need for their baby. The sex of their child was unknown so most of their gifts were gender neutral. After their impromptu shower, they spent every free moment during the following couple of weeks putting together the baby's nursery.

* * *

"Hello?' The phone rang three days after their baby's due date. With every ring of the phone, Eddie and Janet hoped the caller on the other end would have news that was going to change their lives forever.

"Good morning Janet." Charlie spoke.

"Is everything okay? Is Erin in labor?" Eddie perked up from his bowl of oatmeal.

"She had the baby about an hour ago."

"Why didn't you call when she went into labor?" Eddie stood and went for his keys.

"I'm sorry Janet."

"What's going on Charlie?"

"She changed her mind Janet."

"What does that mean?" She asked, even though she knew exactly what he meant. She just needed to hear the words.

"Erin decided to keep the baby." Janet was silent. "Are you there?"

"Yes I am here. Please, wish her luck from us." Without another word, she hung up the phone and sunk into the chair.

"What is it honey? Is it the baby? Is something wrong with the baby?" Eddie whispered falling to one knee in front of his wife.

"She changed her mind. She is keeping the baby."

"What?"

"She is keeping her baby. We aren't getting a baby."

"No. She can't do that." Eddie exclaimed, standing.

"Yes she can." Janet told him softly.

"No she can't." Janet could see how upset Eddie was becoming and she didn't blame him. "She chose us. She told us she was going to give us her baby. She just can't take away our baby."

"It was never our baby Eddie."

"It was. She told us it was she was giving us the baby."

"It's her baby. She has the right to change her mind."

"Why in the hell are you so calm? Why aren't you mad?"

"How can I be mad? We want a child more than anything so how can I possibly be mad that Erin doesn't want to give up her child to us? I can't."

"This is crap Janet. This is total crap." Eddie stood. "I've got to get to work." He brushed his lips across Janet's. "I'll see you later."

Throughout the day, Eddie and Janet dealt with their loss in their own way. Janet used work as a way to distract her. She was busy enough that she didn't have time to think about the baby that wasn't coming home. Eddie on the other hand couldn't get his mind off of their baby which made him irritable. He snapped at everyone about everything. Nick and the guys simply assumed he had a fight with Janet so they did the smart thing and steered clear of him.

When Janet got home from work Eddie was already home. The house was silent when she walked in but she knew exactly where he was. She put her purse down and went upstairs to the nursery where just as she thought was Eddie standing in the doorway, staring into the empty room. She walked up beside him, wrapped an arm around his waist and lay her head on his shoulder. He reciprocated by wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her close.

"I understand what you said this morning. I get that we can't be mad at Erin for not giving up her child but I don't have to like it. It's not fair."

"No it's not." She agreed. "But it's life."

"I'm sorry that I was such a jerk babe." He whispered softly, kissing her head.

"It's okay. You were understandably upset and heartbroken."

"And you're not?" He looked at her and when she didn't respond he used his thumb to lift her face up. Looking into her eyes he saw they were full of unshed tears. "Oh baby."

"I am. My heart is broken." She began to cry softly. "My heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces."

"Oh…baby." He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly as she cried while tears of his own fell silently.

"There should be a baby in this room. There should be a baby crying in this room; not us." Janet sniffed once she calmed down. "I know and understand why we don't have the baby but it still hurts."

"It hurts like hell."

"I can't do this anymore Eddie."

"What are you saying?"

"I want to be a mother; more than anything but it's too hard. Every time we lose a child or are turned down it just hurts too damn much and I can't handle the hurt."

"Janet look at me." He demanded. She did as he asked and his heart broke for her with every tear that fell down her cheek. "Babe, you can't give up."

"Why shouldn't I? Every time we have tried to have a child something goes wrong; first I have useless eggs then the first embryo doesn't implant and when the second does I lose the baby. We decide to adopt and we are turned down by private agencies and the state because of a stupid teenage mistake. We finally find a way to adopt a child and the birth mother changes her mind. To me those are all pretty sure signs that we are not meant to have a child. I would rather just stop trying now and move on with our childless lives." She walked out of the nursery and across the hall to their bedroom and onto their bed. Eddie followed her and lay beside her on the bed and linked his hand with hers.

"I know without a doubt that you will be an amazing mother; we will be amazing parents. I know that there is a child out there that we are mean to have in our home, lives and hearts. This hasn't been easy but maybe it's because we haven't found the right child for us."

"Do you believe that?"

"I have to sweetheart because if not I will give up and I can't…we can't give up. There is a child out there that we are meant to be parents to."

"I want that Eddie. I want to be a mother."

"I want to be a father so we can't give up. So this first adoption didn't work out but has anything we wanted ever come easily to us?" She shook her head. "So why should a baby come easy?"

"But it's hard. The denial is so hard."

"Everything that is worth having is hard to get." He kissed her softly. "What do you say? Can we keep trying?"

"Yes. If we can get a baby then all this hurt will be worth it; right?"

"Right."


	3. Chapter 3

It had been four months since they lost the baby they thought they were getting and through the heartbreak, they continued to pursue adoption. There had been numerous interviews with mother's wanting to give up their baby that the two of them had sat through but no one had chosen them; leaving them feeling somewhat discouraged. Now, they were sitting through another interview feeling very discouraged.

"Well I am assuming that you are going to stop working when you adopt a child."

"No ma'am. I am not. Of course, I will take six weeks off at the beginning but after that I will return to work."

"Why would you do that? Every child needs a mother at home."

"I agree but unfortunately, not every mother can afford to stay home." Eddie explained. "My wife and I have spent a lot of our savings in our attempt to have a child. My business is still a young business and I can support my family but we want to give our child every opportunity and do that my wife needs to work so we can have a cushion."

"I stayed home with my children and it was the best experience of my life and the lives of my children." Neither Eddie or Janet responded. "I think that you and your wife should get your finances in order so your wife can stay home with your child like every mother should before you adopt a child." Janet became furious at those words.

"Thank you for taking the time to meet with us Mrs. Lewis but I believe that we have taken up to much of your time." Janet and Eddie stood walked over to Lauren. "It was a pleasure meeting you. Good luck sweetheart." Janet whispered to the young girl. Lauren looked up, shrugged her shoulders and returned to her phone and whatever was keeping her so entertained.

"Janet, Eddie wait." Charlie called, following them out of the conference room. "Would you please step into my office?"

"We will not be treated like that." Eddie seethed between clenched teeth.

"I don't blame you." He led them to his office. "Please, have a seat. I will deal with Mrs. Anderson."

Reluctantly, the couple took a seat side by side. Within sixty seconds, Charlie's secretary came in offering them drinks; obviously trying to placate them. The agreed to a soda and waited, not so patiently for fifteen minutes until Charlie returned to his office with Janet's mom in tow.

"I am so sorry you guys." Charlie began. "Mrs. Anderson was out of line."

"Out of line?" Eddie snapped. "Are you kidding me? That was totally uncalled for."

"I have about had it with these interviews." Janet said softly. "It's hard when we don't get chosen and then we wonder, what was wrong with us? Why didn't that mother want us to raise her child? Are we not good enough? Every time we are turned down those thoughts won't stop."

"Sweetheart, it's nothing personal." Jennifer told her daughter.

"Well today it felt damn personal." Eddie stated. "She attacked both of us because we don't have college degrees. College isn't for everyone; it wasn't for Janet and me but we have done very well."

"You don't have to defend your choice not to go to college." Jennifer told them.

"She made me feel like crap that I wasn't going to be able to be a stay at home mom. I'm sorry but not everyone are millionaires that can stay home. So what if she stayed home? It's not like it did any good. Her fifteen year old daughter is pregnant. She is in no place to judge us." Janet's voice was tearful; she was trying not to cry. "How dare she, tell us that we should get our financials in order before we adopt." Eddie reached out and took his wife's hand.

"Just because we are not rich, doesn't make us any less of a good parent." Eddie continued. "Janet and I work really hard and we can give a child everything that it would need."

"Eddie's right. The amount of money we do or do not have shouldn't matter in the least. Financially, we can provide for a child. Our child would never want for anything but most importantly we can give a child love; so much love. Why does that not matter?" She sniffed.

"It does matter and in the end, when a mother gives her child up for adoption, that is what she is looking for." Charlie told the couple. "And when the right mother sees you, she is going to see all the love that you will be able give and be confident knowing when she hands you that baby, that baby will always be loved."

"I want to believe that; I really do."

"Believe it honey." Jennifer encouraged her daughter with a hug.

"I'll try." Janet stood, pulling Eddie to his feet. "Can we get out of here?"

"Before you leave, I need to ask you; do you want me to continue the process?"

"Yes. We aren't ready to give up." Eddie spoke for both of them.

"Okay then. If it matters I think you made the right choice." Jennifer and Charlie watched as the couple walked out of the office hand and hand.

"This isn't fair." Jennifer told Charlie. "I may be biased but those two would make wonderful parents."

"I'm not biased and I agree with you. I just hope I can help make that happen."

* * *

"Sometimes I feel like such a horrible person." Janet commented to Eddie, a few weeks later as they sat in the conference room waiting for another mother to come in and meet with them.

"What are you talking about?"

"Every time we walk into this office, I hope that a woman will want to give her child to us." Janet shook her head. "Really Eddie? What kind of people are we?"

"The kind that wants to be parents."

"But isn't it horrible to want a mother to give up her child?"

"Are you changing your mind?"

"No. Of course not. I want to be a mother."

"And I want to be a father and as far as I can tell, that does not make us horrible people." Janet leaned over and kissed him gently.

"Thanks for setting me straight baby."

"Any time." Right then there was a knock at the door. They stood up and linked hands.

"Eddie, Janet, good to see you." Charlie entered the room, holding the door open for a young woman. "I would like to introduce you to Megan Tucker. Megan, Janet and Eddie Latekka."

"It's very nice to meet you." Janet said, extending her hand.

"Hello Megan." Eddie greeted with a handshake.

"It's nice to meet you."

"Why don't we all have a seat?" Charlie suggested and the four of them sat.

"Can you tell me about yourselves?" Megan asked.

Eddie easily began telling Megan about himself and Janet with Janet adding tid-bits here and there. Eddie's two favorite discussion topics was himself and his wife so he was quite at ease talking to Megan and it showed. The three of them spoke smoothly for an hour.

"You probably think that I am a horrible person for giving up my baby." Megan told them after a moment of silence.

"Not at all." Eddie assured her. How ironic, that Janet was thinking the same feelings about herself wanting another woman to give up her child to them.

"Megan whatever your reasons for giving up your child are your reasons alone. We will never judge you." Janet told her.

"I'm a doctor and I am just beginning my residency. I put in some many hours; sometimes I am at the hospital for forty eight hours which is no environment to raise a child." She explained to them. They nodded, not quite sure what to say. "I never wanted children." Megan admitted. "I never babysit while I was growing up. I just didn't like kids. My boyfriend doesn't want kids either."

"There is nothing wrong with not wanting children." Janet sensed that Megan was ashamed that she didn't want children.

"There aren't a lot of people that agree with you but I look at it like a good thing. People like me that don't want children can help out people that can't have children."

"Like us." Eddie whispered.

"May I ask why you can't have children?"

"I have bad eggs." Janet answered simply.

"I'm sorry."

"It is what it is." It was a fact about her life that she has come to accept.

"There is something I would like you to see." Megan dug into her purse and pulled out a photo. "This is the ultrasound picture." She explained handing the picture to Janet. "I haven't looked at it but according to my doctor, it's a boy."

Eddie and Janet stared at the picture in awe. They could not help but think that they may be looking at the first picture of their child. "Wow. A boy." Eddie whispered.

"He's gorgeous." Janet said tearfully. Megan gave them a few minutes to look at the picture before she spoke again.

"I would like to give you my son." Eddie and Janet looked up in shock.

"Excuse me?" Janet managed to ask.

"I have made my choice. I want you two to take my son to raise and love him as your own. Can you do that?"

"We can." Eddie answered while Janet nodded.

"Thank you." Janet whispered. "Thank you so much."

* * *

"What outfit should we bring him home in?" Janet asked Eddie one afternoon as she was going through some of the baby clothes they had bought.

"Honey, he isn't due for another two weeks." Eddie told her with a grin.

"I know, but realistically, he could come at any time. I want to have the diaper bag ready. I want everything to be perfect for him."

"How about the Red Sox outfit?"

"That's exactly what I was thinking. He's going to be Red Sox fan just like his daddy."

"And his mommy." Eddie pulled Janet to his chest and kissed her. "You know, I have heard that once a baby joins a family, alone time because becomes few and far between."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah so I think that we should take advantage of what alone time we have before our little guy joins us."

"You do?"

"I do."

"Let's go." Janet grabbed his hand and pulled him from the baby's nursery to their room across the hall and they fell onto the bed laughing.

An hour later they were lying in bed in a tangle of sheets, blankets and limbs sharing soft kisses and whispers of the future when their bedroom phone rang. Groaning, Eddie climbed over Janet to reach the phone. "Yeah?" He answered and Janet smacked his naked butt. She hated it when he answered the phone like that.

"Eddie, its Charlie. You and Janet should get to Boston Memorial. Megan is in labor."

"It's not time yet."

"Well that little boy thinks otherwise."

"We'll be there as soon as we can. Thanks for calling." Before Eddie could hang up, Janet was squirming out from underneath him.

"Is it the baby? Is something wrong?"

"No. He just decided to make his entrance into the world."

"He's coming? Already?" She jumped out of bed and headed to the shower.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I am getting a shower." She turned on the shower.

"Now?"

"I refuse to meet our son smelling like sex and sweat and you shouldn't either. Now get in here and rinse off." She demanded and Eddie knew not to argue with her. He did as she asked.

* * *

Six long hours later they were still waiting in labor and delivery for their son to be born. Janet brought a book but she couldn't concentrate so she read the same page over and over, not taking in anything while Eddie paced, sat down and tapped his foot while aimlessly flipping through a magazine with more pacing. If Janet was paying him any attention, she would have throttled him.

"Latekka?" A doctor with scrubs came out into the waiting room. As soon as they heard their name, they jumped up.

"That's us; Eddie and Janet Latekka." Eddie said nervously.

"I'm Dr. Downey, Megan's obstetrician. I just delivered a healthy baby boy; seven pounds four ounces and nineteen inches long."

"He's healthy?" Janet asked.

"Absolutely. Now, Megan told me that you are the first two to meet him. What do you say?"

"Yeah. We wanna meet him."

"Follow me." Eddie and Janet followed Dr. Downey down the hall to the nursery. Once they got there they had to be tagged with ID bracelets so they could have access to the baby. As soon as they had their bracelets on, they sanitized their hands and then were ushered to a room off of the nursery with rocking chairs. They each took a chair and a minute later, the baby was brought to them and as it should have been, he was placed in Janet's arms.

"Hello Derek Edward." She whispered tearfully.

"Hiya buddy." Eddie greeted the baby.

"He's perfect isn't he?"

"He is."

Over the next few hours the each held the baby, passing him back and forth between the two of them while taking lots of pictures. Due to their special adoption circumstances, the hospital allowed their parents to come to the nursery and see the baby and Nick and Hannah managed to sneak their way in too. Everyone immediately fell in love with Derek and they were so happy for Eddie and Janet; they finally had the child they had been waiting for.

* * *

"Do you mind if we come in?" Eddie and Janet stood in the doorway of Megan's room. Visiting hours were over but they had to see Megan before they left.

"Sure." Megan was lying in the room staring at the television.

"We tried to come and see you earlier but the nurse told us you were sleeping." Eddie explained.

"How are you feeling?" Janet asked.

"Sore."

"I can imagine."

"Do you need anything? Can I get you anything?" Eddie asked.

"No thanks. I'm fine. How is he?"

"Perfectly wonderful and beautiful."

"He was early." Meagan whispered.

"He's fine." Eddie assured her.

"Would you like to see pictures?" Janet asked.

"No. I can't. I didn't even hold him. They offered to let me hold him but I couldn't." Tears filled Megan's eyes. "This is so much harder than I thought it would be." Janet reached out and took her hand.

"I can't imagine how hard this is for you." She told her. "But know that Eddie and I will give him so much love."

"I know." Megan yawned. "If you don't mind, I would like to get some sleep."

"Of course. We will see you tomorrow."

"Please, call us if you need anything; no matter the time." Eddie requested.

"Okay." Megan closed her eyes and was asleep before Eddie and Janet walked out of the door.

* * *

"Do you think I packed enough diapers?" Janet asked Eddie, nervously as they walked into the hospital to take their baby home. She had the diaper bag while he carried the carrier.

"Honey, you packed almost the entire bag of diapers." Eddie said with a laugh. "We are just going from here to the doctor and then home. I think he will be fine."

"I keep thinking that I forgot something."

"You couldn't have possibly forgot anything. That bag is packed to the gills."

"You are right. I need to relax." The elevators opened and they stepped onto them. As soon as the door closed, he gave her a quick kiss.

"Yes mommy. You need to relax." When the elevator got to the maternity floor, the doors opened and when they stepped out, they found Charlie waiting for them.

"Perfect timing. I just got here."

"We are a little early but we can't wait to get him home." Eddie explained.

"What's going to happen is without the baby, we will go down to Megan's room and you guys will sign the paperwork to transfer custody over and then you can take him home."

"I would like to go check on him first."

"Sounds good. I would like to meet him." The three of them walked to the nursery together. When they arrived, they held out their arm bands to be scanned.

"It looks like he is in his mother's room." The nurse said with a confused look on her face. "Who are you and why do you have bands for the baby?"

"We are his parents." Janet told her which led to more confusion.

"We are adopting him. This is our lawyer and we are here to sign the papers and take him home." Eddie explained.

"Do you know where her room is?" They nodded. "Well, you can do down there." Eddie and Janet led the way with Charlie following behind them. They both had a sinking feeling in their stomachs.

"What's going on?" She whispered. "I thought she didn't want to see him."

"I have no idea." They arrived at Megan's room and found her holding the baby. Megan looked up and saw them standing there and she began to cry.

"Megan, what's going on?" Janet repeated the question.

"I'm sorry." She cried. "I am so very sorry."

"Not again." Eddie whispered behind her.

"I thought I could do it but then the nurse brought him to me last night and I held him and now, I can't let him go."

"I don't blame you. He is a wonderful little boy." Everything inside Janet wanted to beg her to let the baby go and give him to her but she couldn't make herself do it. She refused to beg for a child.

"I thought that I never wanted children but when I held and looked at him I realized that I was wrong. I want children. I want him." Eddie set the baby carrier down and walked away.

"I don't blame you at all. We wanted him too." Janet wiped a tear that slipped out of her eye. "You will probably need this." She grabbed the carrier and set it the diaper bag down on the floor. She wouldn't be needing them. "I will bring the base to you. Good luck." With that, before she burst into tears, she turned and left the room with Charlie following behind her.

"Janet, I don't know what happened. When I talked to her yesterday, she was still planning on giving you guys the baby. I am so sorry." Charlie told her in the elevator.

"It's not your fault."

"I will talk to her. Maybe…"

"Please don't." Janet interrupted. "It's her child and she wants him. It was meant to be." When the elevator opened they walked in silence out of the hospital. Janet knew where they parked and was planning on walking to the car where she figured Eddie had disappeared to but instead she found him and the car waiting for her at the entrance. She opened the back door and with a heavy heart and tears she removed the car seat base. "I can't go back up there. Can you please make sure Megan gets this?"

"Of course." Charlie agreed as Janet got into the car. "Again, I am so sorry. I will give you a call in a few days to talk about the next step."Janet nodded, Charlie stepped back and Janet closed the door. As soon as Janet was safely inside, Eddie gunned it out of the parking lot, causing horns to honk when he pulled out in front of them.

"Is that really necessary." Janet snapped. "Slow down before you kill someone."

"Was it really necessary to give the car seat to her?" Eddie snapped back.

"Why should I have kept it? It's not like we are going to need it." She responded and then sighed. Snapping at each other won't help the situation. "Did you call anyone; your mom?"

"No."

Janet figured he hadn't made any phone calls and since they had to be made, she knew she was one the one that would have to make them. The first call was to the pediatrician that they had chosen for Derek. He had come to see him yesterday after he was born and asked that they bring him in for a checkup but obviously that wasn't going to happen now so she called, cancelled the appointment without any explanation and did not reschedule; there was no need to. After the doctor, Janet called her parents, Eddie's parents, Nick and Hannah and told them the news. They agreed to make more calls for her; those three calls were hard enough and she couldn't handle any more calls and the rest of the ride home was done in silence.

"I was planning on fixing your brakes yesterday but plans changed. Since I already told Nick I wasn't going to be at work today, I might as well change them today." Eddie told her as they walked into the house when they got home.

"I have some packing that I need to take care of." Eddie nodded and went to the bedroom to change.

He knew what packing she was talking about; she had done it once before. She was going to pack up everything that was bought specifically for Derek and give it to Charlie to give to Megan. They weren't rich people and couldn't afford to buy the big things; cribs, bassinet, changing table, swing; but they couldn't keep the clothes, toys and stuffed animals they, friends, and family had bought for Derek; they couldn't look at it day after day without a baby.

"Do you need some help?" Eddie asked her from the doorway of the nursery. She had found a couple boxes in the garage and was slowly beginning to fill them.

"Do you want to help?"

"No but I figured I should offer."

"I can handle it." He nodded and turned to leave. "Eddie…wait." He stopped, turned back around and Janet walked to him. Eddie knew what she wanted; he wanted it too. He opened his arms and Janet walked into them and the two of them shared a long hug.

"I know you think that I shouldn't be mad but I need to be mad. I want to be mad."

"Go ahead and be mad Eddie." She mumbled against his chest. "I'm mad too. I am really mad."

Two hours later Janet returned from her mom's house. She packed up Derek's things and took the boxes over to her parent's house. Her mom would take them with her to work the following day and Charlie would make sure Megan got the boxes. Eddie wasn't in the garage when she got home and it looked like her brakes were all taken care of. The house was quiet when she walked and she found him in their bedroom, freshly showered, lying on the bed staring at the ceiling.

"I finished your brakes."

"Thank you." She slipped off her shoes and joined him in bed. He rolled onto his side, scooted closer to her until their heads were touching and he placed his hand under her shirt right above her hip.

"This isn't right." He whispered in the semi-dark room.

"It's not."

"Last time, at least we didn't see the baby but this time…we held him."

"We named him; we took pictures. He was ours for a few hours and now…"

"He's gone." Janet reached out and wiped a tear from his cheek. "Sweetheart, I know that you want a baby and I do too but…"

"But what Eddie?" She asked tearfully.

"I can't do this again…not for awhile at least. I need some time. Losing the baby this time, it killed me. It hurts so damn much and with our track record it's a given that we will be promised another baby and then lose him."

"It may not happen again."

"But it might and Janet…I can't; not again."

"I want a child Eddie but you are right I think we need a short break."

"Janet, I need you to know that this is not me throwing in the towel. I am not giving up."

"Me either." The two of them held each other close as their tears of loss and heartbreak fell.


End file.
